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So I ran into a friend today who has a very different parenting style than my wife and I do.  Her son was being a typical little boy who wanted to test boundaries and needed a lot of refocusing.  I couldn’t help but notice the fact that she was constantly reminding him to ‘obey’ her.  That word felt very uncomfortable to my ears as she wouldn’t release him from time-outs until he promised to ‘obey’ or asked ahead of time if he was going to ‘obey’ the librarian.  Aside from ineffective parenting, something was not sitting well with me listening to her.  Then I realized that the word ‘obey’ went against many of my personal values and those we have for our family.  That got me reflecting on our core family values (not to steal an overly-misused Republican rhetoric phrase) and this is what I came up with.

  1. Independence.  I hope my children grow up to be independent in their thinking, choices and actions.  ‘Obey’ implies conformity, which is probably the single biggest violator of our family values.  I cannot encourage my children to do what I tell them because I told them to do so.  I want them to understand that the universe has consequences and we base our decisions weighing those consequences with the rewards.  I do not ‘obey’ the speed limit simply because it is there, I choose not to speed to keep those around me safe and my wallet a little fuller. 
  2. Humor.  We laugh a lot in my family and I like to think we are funny people.  If we aren’t then please don’t tell us, let us just go on thinking we are.  Let’s face it there is nothing funny about the word ‘obey’.  In fact in conjures up images of fire and brimstone….again more forced conformity.  Or worse yet, I picture Hester Prynne and her Scarlet A.  Still not laughing.
  3. Kindness.  I want my kids to grow up to be kind.  That is what it is all about (not the Hokey Pokey).  Telling your kids they must obey you doesn’t seem very kind.  Unless of course they are threatening to run into a busy street.  It is not that I think that discipline in general, is unkind, actually it is quite the opposite.  Teaching kids right from wrong is the most important thing we do as parents and I think it is semi-abusive to take the ‘oh isn’t it cute how he misbehaves’ approach.  That strays into other posts, I digress.

So what do you think of this concept of insisting our children obey us like Moses and the Commandments.  What core values does your family have and how do they leak into your everyday life, even your verbiage?  Have you noticed anything from friends that really stand out as difficult for you to accept?

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